Giant Squabeliks and Secret Agents: How Khuiumin Turned Into a War Zone
The Eidola News Network (ENN) breaking news:
Investigative journalist Euna Miriel, fresh off her award-winning investigation of Squall’s Rancor Plan-B medication story, has stumbled upon yet another shocking discovery. Here at Eidola News Network, we are exclusively breaking the scandalous and confusing story of how Khuiumin became a warzone.
A fuzzy hologram recovered from Year 27, Day 102 allegedly showed Carl Warrington receiving a tip from a deep-cover Eidola agent known only as “Blue Ass.” A hologram in the hologram revealed that the Shadow Dominion, a clique of miscreants who used to be the Zann Consortium, had discovered a shiny new system called Khuiumin in its eponymous sector. What’s more, a hologram in the hologram in the hologram betrayed that Carl inexplicably leaked this information to the New Republic. How deep does the hologram squall hole go?
This startling about-face in foreign policy bewildered many at ENN. After all, Carl had previously helped lead actions against the Rebels—like the time Jake Azzameen turned an Eidolan elderly nudist colony into a slaughterhouse at Bes, or the more recent unpleasant hat drama at Derra. So why the sudden cooperation?
The answer, it turns out, probably made sense to Warrington but likely no other rational being. At the time of the discovery, Carl was relaxing in Sevarcos with Argon Nightwish while the rest of Eidola was still binge-drinking in Hutt Space, celebrating Squall Chitose’s retirement. Upon realizing where exactly Khuiumin was located, Warrington ascertained that a Zann-controlled planet that close to his home would mean poorly maintained shrubbery and stray pet fecal matter drifting into Sevarcos. Unable to countenance the prospect of such filth and disarray, Carl declared, “Absolutely not.”
Always the opportunist as a good Eidolan should be, Carl realized this “problem” could also be a chance to achieve something great to honor his dear friend Squall. Specifically, enormous obelisks Warrington would call Squabeliks—towering, fully anatomically correct tributes to the “mighty implement” that once allegedly infected a million Ugnaughts with syphilis. The only problem? Eidola territory was already so overbuilt (mostly due to Carl’s questionable building practices) and there wasn’t room left for even one properly proportioned Squabelik.
Khuiumin was the perfect canvas for just such a grand project. Carl reportedly exclaimed, “New system equals new real estate equals room for my giant Squabeliks!” However, his dream project would remain in serious jeopardy on account of Zann’s violent reaction to his last construction project on Drup II, the result of which was an unfortunate accidental avalanche of Ugnaught feces. Warrington knew he needed allies, so he called the Rebels and tattled on Zann in hopes that he could claim some land to build his Squabeliks.
Upon Carl’s arrival in Khuiumin, the Shadow Dominion was already busy invading the system, building stations and landing reprobates on its planets and moons. A council of war quickly formed consisting of Rebel forces, a Jawa coordinating committee, the Eidola Pirates, Corliss & Co., and the Hydian Expanse. It was decided that since Corliss & Co. brought actual competent firepower and needed territory, everyone would team up to pry the system away from Zann.
After some preliminary naval skirmishes (in which Carl and Argon Nightwish somehow fought alongside the Rebels without immediately shooting each other), the group realized they needed boots on the ground. Warrington and Thragg Craghorn made the first daring run at Khuiumin III but were “absolutely shredded.” They limped away with their fighter screens in tatters and the planet was officially lost to Zann the next day. However, Courkrus, the largest planet in the system and key to the system, remained to be claimed.
The following morning, Carl, Thragg, and Qijin Aurelius made another mad dash down the gravity well of Courkrus. The Zann gunners focused heavily on Carl in his Fury, The Terror of Tamerin, turning his U-wing screen into expensive scrap. Realizing he was one lucky shot away from becoming space dust, Warrington played heroic decoy—holding position until his shields were gone and his last U-wing exploded, just long enough for Thragg and Qijin to slip through to the surface.
Carl then looped back, swapped his shredded escorts for A-wings from his personal Corsair Squadron, re-filled his bourbon stocks, and charged again like a drunken pirate who had nothing left to lose (and a lot of giant statues to build). While Carl was totally inebriated, his A-wing pilots were not and the nimble A-wings danced through the fire while Carl finally made planetfall with only minor losses. He immediately bolted for the ocean to start building floating cities from which Eidolans could “pillage and plunder Zann”, a move heartily endorsed by ENN because nothing says “pirate strategy” like hoping your real estate project develops a navy.
While many have reported that this impromptu Eidola-Rebel alliance went shockingly smoothly, Euna uncovered the truth: Argon Nightwish, aboard the mighty MTC Gestational Carrier :-, managed to annoy the Rebels so thoroughly that they opened fire on him. The exact reason remains unclear, but thankfully Eidola’s most “respectable” pirate, Artemis de Chatillon, arrived just in time to smooth things over with his usual charm and suave demeanor.
Art and Argon, along with the ENN news van and the newly arrived Pirate Queen Syn, then proceeded to patrol and fight in their signature style—undisciplined, haphazard, and somehow still effective—while Carl was planetside. There, he suffered a major tactical disappointment when he learned his trusty Purrgils couldn’t swim. Shocked and appalled by the existence of non-aquatic space whales, Carl was forced to pivot to a land invasion.
At this point the Bounty Hunter’s Guild appeared to have tracked down Thragg in what looked suspiciously like an attempt to broadcast Warrington’s and Craghorn’s location to Zann. So Carl did what any self-respecting pirate would do: he secretly fled east and successfully founded pirate havens in the planet’s northeast. With Argon Nightwish’s help, these settlements housed the local drunken resistance. In the end, it was the inebriated population of Carl’s hastily built cities that overthrew Zann, plunging the planet back into glorious chaos—which Corliss & Co. happily capitalized on.
Khuiumin was saved. Giant Squabeliks are in our future, and once again the Eidola Pirates have proven that being a chaotic mess is no barrier to victory.
This is Euna Miriel, reporting from the front lines. Back to you, studio—someone pass me a drink.