Friends don’t let friends do drugs
Mandalore’s Bad Batch – A Case of Ryll-Induced Delusions
Mandalorian Forces Claim Successful Raid on Son-Tuul Pride Operations
Recent reports from Mandalorian command have declared a successful military operation against Son-Tuul Pride assets. According to official Mandalorian statements, their forces conducted a precision raid that resulted in significant casualties to STP leadership and operational personnel. Mandalorian spokespersons have characterized the operation as a “decisive blow” against criminal enterprises in the region, claiming the elimination of key figures within the organization.
However, initial reports from Mandalore implicated STP operatives as the responsible party for the failed raid. Newly discovered security footage from undisclosed sources reveals a different story. Upon reviewing the video evidence, Mandalorian security forces can be seen storming the prison corridors firing wildly in seemingly random directions. Mandalorian war cries can be heard as operatives can be seen flailing around wildly and engaging in hand-to-hand combat with fellow combatants. As the smoke and chaos settles, it is clearly seen that the only operatives that remain in the prison are Mandalorian.
Security footage reveals the chaotic scene
With reports of the “raids” circulating the galaxy, reporters have requested interviews with spokespersons from Son-Tuul Pride.
Deep in the asteroid fields of Morobe, Dekard Thorpe, Khan-Nal of Son-Tuul Pride, had the following remarks:
“Listen Janice, can I call you Janice? OK, Janice, I have not spoken personally to Johnny Wales but I can tell you we have educated the folks from Mandalore time and time again. You must properly store ryll or it will spoil. Anyone reviewing the security footage can see its obvious signs of acute ryll poisoning. Hallucinations, paranoia and bantha breath are classic symptoms.
“We’ve seen this before, Janice. Just last cycle, a whole pirate station in the Outer Rim, I won’t name names to protect the embarrassed, improperly stored their ryll supply near a heating vent. You know what happened? Security found them holding a democratic election. They were voting on things, Janice. Making speeches. One of them was running on a platform of ‘fiscal responsibility’ and ‘transparent leadership.’ Pirates! These are people who make a proper living stealing cargo, and they were debating term limits and forming committees. It was tragic, really. Took weeks of proper detox – torture, hunger games, cheating on their taxes, you know standard stuff – before they went back to normal piracy. Good as new now.
“They could not find us because we weren’t there Janice! And you know what I think really happened with the Mandalorians? Word on the holonet is they got their coordinates mixed up entirely and accidentally stormed a culture convention on Ord Mantell. Eyewitnesses report seeing beskar-clad warriors screaming ‘This is the Way!’ while tackling some poor kid dressed as a Tusken Raider near the food court. Classic ryll-induced confusion.
“But here’s where it gets truly embarrassing – they’re claiming they ‘eliminated operatives of Dekard Thorpe.’ You know what they actually did? They stunned a Duros cosplayer at the Zann Consortium fan meetup wearing a name tag that said ‘Dekard.’ The kid was in cardboard armor he made in his garage, Janice. Cardboard. Holding a toy Blerf blaster from the gift shop. They pepper-sprayed a droid selling Kesian spice rolls and tasered someone dressed as a Hutt. And now they’re spinning this as a ‘successful targeted operation.'”
Khan-Nal Dekard Thorpe addresses the allegations
“I’m still here, Janice. Very much alive. I am snowed under with ship repairs and production for the next 2 months. Plus, our biannual sabacc tournament is underway; we really don’t have the manpower or interest in Mandalorian prisons to snoop around. If we wanted to get info from a Mandalorian prison we would contact our spy network. In fact, we have had numerous requests for our Mandalore operatives to be reassigned due to boredom and lack of activity.
“With news of improper ryll use and storage on people’s minds, it does provide an opportunity for folks here at Son Tuul to highlight the offerings of our drug rehab program. Specializing in virtual lobotomies administered by our very specially trained Force-sensitive consultants over the holonet, you can enjoy the freedom of addiction removal without the invasive probing of traditional lobotomies. It’s completely remote, Janice. You don’t even need to leave your ship.
“For more severe cases, like what we’re seeing with our Mandalorian friends here, we offer advanced electroshock therapy treatments. State-of-the-art equipment. Top-tier results. We’re proud to report an excellent survival rate of 17%. That’s nearly one in five patients, Janice! Those are numbers you can feel confident about
“Ryll addiction is not a joke. Contact a Son-Tuul Pride representative for more information today. First consultation is free. We also offer to manage your assets while you are undergoing treatment for a small processing fee. Nominal, really.”
Son-Tuul Pride’s state-of-the-art rehabilitation services
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Breaking the Galactic Chains! This is Rogue Frequency—reporting the truth behind the blaster smoke.