Winter Festivities Begin at Petabys

PETABYS STATION SEES UNPRECEDENTED “SHOPPING SEASON” AS MYSTERIOUS BENEFACTORS REDISTRIBUTE REBEL FLEET

Son-Tuul Pride Celebrates “Spirit of Giving” While Unveiling Revolutionary New Product to Combat Zann Infiltration

Petabys Station combat zone, a sector typically marred by intense battles and littered with the charred remains of destroyed starships, experienced an unusual transformation this past week. What is normally a quiet stretch of space known only for occasional skirmishes and the passage of skilled bounty hunters was suddenly disturbed by a surge in industrious activity. The still echoes of the void were replaced by the voltaic whir of electric lock breakers and the melodic humming of a merry band of… well, let’s call them “acquisitions specialists.”

Sightings of multiple factions including Son-Tuul Pride, Knights of Ren, Vermin Court, Children of the Watch, Skree, Sunguard, Blackstar Raiders and Blackstar Pirate Republic were reported diligently at their task. This troupe of enterprising saboteurs toiled with relentless drive to bring thanksgiving and joy to every corner of the galaxy.

Khan-Nal Dekard Thorpe oversees the fruits of his stewardship

It appears that Life Day may be coming early this year. Newly refurbished and thoroughly cleaned ships have begun to flood the black….er…”gray” market as a testament to the conglomerate’s tireless hacking efforts. It is rumored the amount captured is in the hundreds, surpassing any operation in the past. Shoppers are eagerly exchanging credits and valuable technology to stuff their cargo holds with some of the finest vessels the galaxy has to offer. Financial experts advise getting your Life Day shopping done early this season, as stock is limited and depleting faster than a Rebel Alliance defensive perimeter.

SON-TUUL PRIDE SPEAKS OUT

In an exclusive holographic interview, the newly ascended Khan-Nal of the Son-Tuul Pride had the following comments:

When pressed about reports that these vessels were “stolen,” the Pride leader laughed heartily. “Stolen? Please. If the Rebellion can”t be bothered to properly secure their assets, are we really to blame for finding them? We prefer the term ‘liberated.’ Besides, we’re performing a public service those Rebel insignias were terribly gaudy. We do appreciate the Rebel Alliance for providing ample time to rewire the new fleet.”

INTRODUCING ZANN-AWAY: THE SOLUTION TO YOUR INFILTRATION PROBLEMS

But the Son-Tuul Pride didn’t stop at mere ship redistribution. The organization also unveiled their latest product: Zann-Away, a revolutionary spray solution designed to eliminate unwanted Zann Consortium infiltrators from any operation.

The latest in corporate security technology

“Every organization faces this problem eventually,” explained a Pride spokesperson while holding up a sleek canister with a crossed-out Zann logo. “You’re running a perfectly legitimate criminal enterprise, and suddenly you notice your profits are being skimmed, your shipments are getting ‘lost,’ and that new hire in accounting is asking way too many questions about your supply routes. Well, Zann-Away is the solution you’ve been looking for.”

The product demonstration was particularly memorable. A disheveled Rodian prisoner was wheeled out, hastily stuffed into what appeared to be a clearance-bin Defiler’s costume with “ZANN SPY” scrawled across the front in marker. Binder cuffs remained visible. The spokesperson sprayed the subject liberally in the face with Zann-Away and turned to smile at the camera while the Rodian sputtered and choked. Then, BLAM!a blaster shot rang out from off-screen. The prisoner flopped over dramatically, a smoking hole in their head. The spokesperson’s smile never wavered.

Instant results guaranteed

“See! Works like a charm. Zann-Away: for when you need to rid your organizations of those pesky Zann infestations,” the advertisement cheerfully proclaims. “Effective against Zann spies, Zann informants, Zann saboteurs, and that suspicious feeling you’re being watched. Also works wonders on inconvenient blood spatters, security footage, and those pesky moral qualms!”

The Rebel Alliance declined to comment for this story, likely because they were too busy filing insurance claims and wondering where all their ships went.