BREAKING NEWS: Eidola Pirates Plunder Derra System, Commit Grand Theft Starship
Eidola News Network: Derra System – Chaos, piracy, and inexplicable decision-making reigned supreme in the Derra system today as the notorious Eidola Pirates launched a full-scale looting spree, leaving authorities baffled, accountants weeping, and insurance adjusters aggressively reworking their policies.
The debauchery began in the Outbreak Response City on Derra, where the Eidola Pirates encountered what can only be described as déjà vu with a side of catatonia. Israel Sousa, legendary for her ability to remain perfectly motionless for years at a time, was once again discovered in her ship, frozen in what experts are now calling the “Sousa Sleep Mode.” Pirate Queen Syn, momentarily moved by the eerie sight, took a brief pause before deciding to do what any self-respecting pirate would—steal Sousa’s BFF-1 freighter. In an uncharacteristic display of mercy, Syn jettisoned Sousa into an escape pod instead of the cold vacuum of space, a move some analysts believe was purely to avoid paperwork.
However, the heist took a deeply personal turn when Syn happened to pick up a G-400 Starfighter on her sensors. Immediately enamored by its name, Noom Noom, the Pirate Queen abandoned all tactical considerations and sprinted across the battlefield to claim the starfighter—only to discover upon gaining entry that it was the very G-400 Starfighter with which she had been forced to part many years prior in an effort to offset the credits that seemed to keep disappearing from Eidola’s coffers when nobody was looking.
Declaring her recapture of her beloved Noom Noom the pinnacle of her piracy career, Syn has since mandated that all Eidola Pirates must fly the G-400 for the next three months, a decision that has reportedly triggered an exodus of pirates to less unreasonable employers, such as the Hutts and Amway.
Meanwhile, Eidola’s financial division—a.k.a. the two guys who know how to use an abacus—were left reeling as Argon Nightwish and Eric Jackson managed to burn through twenty-seven electronic lock breakers to hack one single Jumpmaster 5000. Despite their insistence that fate had betrayed them, a cursory audit revealed the duo had been plugging the devices into what experts are calling, “not the lock.”
In total, Eidola absconded with 22 ships, ranging from capital ships to fighters, including a YV-666, a PB-950 Patrol Boat, and a Delta-12 Skysprite. In what local authorities are decrying as a needlessly spiteful move, they also stole all of the ambulances in the system. While some speculate this was an act of cruel villainy, internal leaks suggest the fleet of Sprint-class ambulances was seized to offset the financial burden of Eidola’s ambitious (if wildly unsustainable) universal health care program for pirates.
The grand escapade nearly ended in disaster when the drunken pirate fleet noticed a Defender Corvette owned by one George O’Rourke who appeared to be attempting to flee the chaotic system. Spurred on by both alcohol and impulse control issues, the leaders of the pirates, Syn and Carl Warrington, stormed the vessel and looted hundreds of items before realizing through a haze of celebratory intoxication that they were outnumbered by O’Rourke and his security personnel 41 to 2.
Undeterred and unarmored, the dynamic duo charged headfirst into battle, slicing through droids and elite troops, only for O’Rourke to pull a reverse Uno card and trap them on the bridge of the very ship they were trying to commandeer, politely leaving them in peace to attempt to steal his ship out from under him rather than face the flurry of lightsabers. As Carl worked to hack the ship’s controls, Syn—true to form—attempted to hack her way back out through the blast door to resume fighting, proving once again that impulse control is not Eidola’s strong suit.
Before their master plan could reach its inevitable disastrous conclusion, the Jedi Order intervened to rescue O’Rourke. Faced with the choice of letting him and his highly-trained security squads escape or scuttling the Corvette, the pirates opted for destruction. However, before Syn and Carl could complete the self-destruct sequence, fate intervened in the form of Eric Jackson, who had passed out at the controls of his starfighter due to the excessive drinking. Upon regaining consciousness, Eric did what any groggy, severely hungover pirate would do—he instinctively pulled the trigger.
The Corvette exploded.
By sheer luck, Syn and Carl made it to an escape pod, while George O’Rourke emerged as the only survivor of his entire crew. Officials are still processing how two intoxicated pirates managed to slaughter 40 elite soldiers while making objectively terrible tactical choices.
System authorities are calling the Eidola incursion “a brazen act of piracy.” The pirates, meanwhile, are calling it Tuesday.