Breaking News from Derra: Stolen hats, a battle in Syn’s Mom, and a murder solved

This is Derra News 8, reporting live from the Derra System. It seems that local officials may have thanked The Resistance too soon for chasing off the brigands which had been plaguing the area. Only days after The Resistance’s decision to wind down its operation in Derra, the Eidola Pirates were spotted entering the system in a questionable assortment of vessels. While their intentions were initially unclear, it has become apparent that they arrived with the intent of looting any and all booty belonging to the local population that has been long struggling under the violence that has plagued the system for years.

What we initially saw from Eidola was nothing short of confusing. While the vanguard of the Rebellion’s forces appeared to be struggling mightily to hold back the renewed offensive of the Havoc Mercenaries, Eidola swooped in to begin its raid… in a shieldship. Yes, you heard me right; Umbeck Traxer reportedly flew a single Toscan fighter with the ungainly shieldship in tow into the gravity well of Derra IV and began the task of disabling multiple cargo containers. It is unclear if the Rebels were confused by this tactic as they initially seemed hesitant to shoot at an unarmed ship named Ploo Distractionary Force. Seeing as we are not in the Ploo Sector, it may be understandable that our gallant defenders could have assumed the ship was merely passing through. But once the brigands’ intentions were clear, the Rebel defense forces leapt into action and successfully launched every available pilot and ship at the Ploo Distractionary Force to drive Traxer’s paltry fighter and shieldship from our skies.

While we thank them for their heroic effort in repulsing the threat, the citizens of Derra have begun to wonder why the entire defense force was mobilized to attack a single target. During this time, Derra News 8 began to receive dozens of reports system-wide of break-ins and robberies from unguarded and unprotected ships and cargo containers. While the reason for the Rebel inaction remains unclear, what we can confirm tonight is that multiple pirate forces led by Umbeck Traxer, Deric Adams, Argon Nightwish, Inya D`Azveris, Eric Jackson, and Carl Warrington capitalized on the opportunity and absconded with over 1,100 items, numerous droids and even a mysterious egg.

Curiously, upon Derra News 8’s exclusive investigation of the cargo containers and ships around the system, the Eidola Pirates seem to have made what can at best be characterized as a series of highly unprofitable decisions about what to take from these containers. Many high value droids, vehicles, and even potential prisoners were left in the containers while the pirates were recorded stealing hundreds of seemingly worthless items. Vests, keycards, and inexplicably a box containing 11 hats were among the reported booty seized greedily by these inscrutable pirates.

Perhaps the most troubling theft was not committed by Eidola at all. Instead of driving away Trax’s slow, ungainly, undefended shieldship, we here at Derra News 8 are in possession of direct evidence that Thragg Craghorn boarded one of the containers before the pirates could enter and was spotted helping himself to multiple lightsaber components. Where are these parts now? Is Mr. Craghorn our savior, ot just another scoundrel? We thank the Eidola Pirates for reporting this crime. We will bring you all of the latest developments as this story unfolds.

As the Rebels overcame the crippling confusion and terror of Trax’s unarmed shieldship, they engaged Eidola’s main force in orbit over Derra IV with mild losses on both sides. It was during this battle that Carl Warrington, after liberating several obsolete guns and a single toolkit from a crippled container that was curiously named “Syn’s Mom,” stumbled into none other than the Jedi Noah Hatfield (no relation to the aforementioned box of 11 hats) entering the same container. Carl, having already stolen the items and indignant that Hatfield would attempt to steal the treasures of Syn’s Mom, drew his lightsaber and the two crossed blades inside of Syn’s Mom. The battle was quite fierce and resulted in Carl’s poisoning.

What happened next can only be explained by a mixture of Carl’s poisoning and his advanced state of inebriation. We have reports that Carl entered the next disabled container to be confronted with four Porgs. In his stupor, it is believed that Carl mistook these cute and harmless creatures for Hatfield’s return. He killed the first Porg in a single swipe of his lightsaber and set about hacking the creature’s body repeatedly after its death. He then proceeded to bellow battle cries incoherently while squatting rhythmically over the creature’s corpse. Trax, apparently confusing Carl’s bellows with a warning of a potential disease that the Porgs might be carrying, proceeded to hit the container with a full volley from his Toscan squad upon Carl’s safe exit, thereby destroying the remaining Porgs. Derra has declared a time of mourning for these innocent creatures. 

Over the course of the next several days, the pirate raiders pillaged the edges of Derra system while avoiding the main body of Rebel defenders. During one of these engagements the pirates reportedly destroyed a Sentinel-class Landing Craft belonging to Ju-bei Syraxes, estimated to be worth a half a billion credits in a botched boarding attempt. Eventually the pirates landed on Derra VI in the Outbreak Response city and looted over 25 ships completely unopposed. Some of these vessels were found to be particularly valuable, containing restricted Imperial technology and armor that was promptly seized by the pirates and will no doubt be complemented by the fashionable collection of stolen hats. 

Other vessels met an unfortunate end at the hands of an erratic fighter squadron. Comms systems in the area reported hearing the loud complaints of Eric Jackson, once a decorated combat veteran of the Imperial Navy, now struggling to handle the controls of his squadron — at one point loudly insisting he didn’t need a corvette to do his job, before launching a full spread of torpedoes at an unsuspecting, defenseless metal crate rumored to be filled with dozens of lightsabers. 

At this point, the story takes an unexpected turn. While the pirates were in Outbreak Response city, staving off boredom due to Trax’s nineteen failed attempts to breach a single door on board a YV-666, Argon Nightwish accidentally solved a cold case murder. In Year 9, three murders were reported in Derra: Aragone Lee, Davis Pojo, and Creon Lier. Upon breaching the locked door of a BFF-1 freighter, Argon stumbled upon none other than a Corellian woman bearing the identification of Israel Sousa. She was found to be sitting unwashed in a trance as though she had been there for years, surrounded by the dismembered body parts of the three murder victims. Crates of thermal bombs surrounded the gruesome scene.   

So it seems as if perhaps some good has come of the increasing lawlessness of the Derra System after all. Still, the local population grows restless, with some calling out for heightened patrols and outside assistance to protect their beloved pet Porgs and hat collections from the increased pirate activity in the system. Time will tell what groups may send their forces to answer the call, or perhaps come to plunge our beloved system into further chaos.